I Go To Sleep
by Miss Gypsy Willow
Summary: Rachel gets a call informing her that her ex, Jesse St James, has been killed in a car accident. But despite being dead she comes to realise that he's not really gone. And she's the key to him finding peace. St Berry.


**Title:** I Go To Sleep

**Author:** Miss Gypsy Willow

**Summary:** Rachel gets a call informing her that her ex, Jesse St James, has been killed in a car accident. But despite being dead she comes to realise that he's not really _gone._ And she's the key to him finding peace. St Berry.

**Rating:** T

**Word count:** 3,889

**Timeline:** Post season one. Set during the summer before season two. Quite AU.

**Characters:** Rachel Berry, Jesse St James, Milo St James (Jesse's uncle), Jesse's parents, Hiram Berry.

**Warnings:** Character death, major angst and attempted suicide.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the plot of this story. The basic idea of Ghost!Jesse comes from _jessestjames-ships_ on tumblr whose graphics inspired me.

**Authors note:** You guys have no idea how much it hurt to write this. Anyway, enjoy and feedback is love.

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><p>It's been a month since Regionals. A month since she's seen, heard from or even thought about Jesse St James. Okay maybe that last one isn't entirely true but she'd damn well tried not to think about him. But every morning she woke up she'd check her phone; not in case Finn had texted her but if <em>he<em> had. And each morning she'd try to ignore how utterly pained and disappointed she felt when she found nothing. So when one morning her phone actually rang and the caller ID informed her it was Jesse St James she couldn't have answered it quicker.

"I don't want to talk to you Jesse." She snaps in to the phone, completely aware of how false her words are. She'd wanted nothing more than to talk to him since they'd shared that look at Regionals and every day since.

"Um. Hi, this is Jesse's uncle here. Milo. We met a couple of times..." And all too suddenly she feels disappointed again then confused. Why would Jesse's uncle be calling her using his nephew's phone? She's only-as he'd rightly said-met him a couple of times. He was a nice man, easy going and so very different yet similar to Jesse. He'd told her the first time he met her that she was probably the best thing to happen to his nephew. His words to this day still warm her heart.

"Oh." It's all she can say which is just typical seeing how many questions are rushing through her mind.

"I just wanted to...Jesus how can I even say this?" He stops and she can hear him taking a deep breath, something about his words sends a shot of dread through her. "I know that Je-Jesse hurt you. He told me-not a lot about it but enough and I just...Well despite everything I think you deserve-you _need_ to know that..." He trails off again and she detects what sounds like a harsh breath and sniff. Her heart feels like it's standing on the edge of a cliff and she physically can't seem to breath properly.

"What?" She asks and it comes out like a whisper. She's gripping the phone so tightly that her knuckles are turning white.

"That Jesse was in an accident last night. A car accident. Oh god Rachel, he-he's dead. I-" She dosn't hear anything else after that. Any more words Milo offers fall upon deaf ears as Rachel stares at her wall, eyes wide, lips parted and heart split in two. She drops to her knees where she stands and regrets saying she didn't want to talk to Jesse so much now that she won't ever be able to again. But she doesn't cry. Not yet.

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><p>Milo invites her to the funeral. Jesse's parents don't even know her so she dosn't get an invite off them and she is both grateful and pained when she receives an invite from Jesse's uncle. It's the next day and she already has her outfit picked out. All black, all simple, all not like Rachel Berry at all. But she's not feeling like Rachel Berry right now. She's told all of three people about Jesse's death. Her dads, both understandably sympathetic despite what Jesse did to her and Finn who tried very hard to comfort her with him being her boyfriend now but didn't do much to cheer her up. She dosn't think anything will be able to cheer her up. Everyone else of course found out through the grapevine and the news but she hasn't felt like answering any of the calls and texts from her friends. She still hasn't cried and that just makes her feel even <em>worse<em> because she knows all her feelings are getting bottled up inside and she wants to let them out through tears but she just can't. When she lies in bed she imagines he's not dead. That he's on the bed next to her, stroking her hair and murmuring sweet nothings in her ear like he used to do when they were dating-like before he had died. Sometimes she can trick herself in to thinking he _is_ there. She knows that wishing your ex boyfriend wasn't dead and was in bed with you was somewhat wrong all things considering but she honestly can't bring herself to care. She cares about Finn, she does but nothing can replace the hole Jesse left in her heart when he broke it. Nothing can replace the already broken half that has now split from the rest due to his death. She's lost half her heart and she can't even cry about it. In a desperate attempt to release her tears she sets up her video camera, picks out the perfect song and sings with everything she's got. She _always_ cries every time she sings a solo. She sings Sia's rendition of _'I Go To Sleep' _and it's to Jesse, to herself and all her heartbreak._'I go to sleep, and imagine that you're there with me, I go to sleep, and imagine that you're there with me...'_ The stuff should grantee tears yet not one falls. At the end of the song she turns off the camera and collapses on her bed. She dreams of Jesse and a world where they're never separated again.

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><p>The funeral is a bleak affair. There's a lot of people there and Rachel can't honestly say she's surprised. Jesse was well known, liked, loved, hated, admired, envied and she'd take a guess that half of the people she sees didn't even <em>really<em> know him. Not like she did. She spots a stunning, elegant older woman crying softly with a tall handsome older man holding her with his own tears to show. They both look like Jesse. They're his infamous parents and she envies them for their ability to produce tears. Milo leads her to the front row of seats around the hole that her soul mate's-because that's what he is, was- coffin is supposed to go in and Jesse's parents briefly shoot her a curious glance. She ignores them and stares straight ahead. The service passes slowly and more people start crying, including Milo. Rachel envies every single one of them. She can do nothing but sit and stare at Jesse's coffin and listen to religious beliefs that are not her own as she wonders how it all came to this. All too suddenly the coffin is being lowered in to the ground and people are dropping flowers in to the grave. Rachel herself takes one and looks down at it passively. A Lilly. How traditional. When it's her turn she steps forward and stares down at the coffin in the ground and imagines Jesse's body within it. She feels sick and drops the Lilly quickly, watching it tumble down and make a soft thud on it's landing. It lays amongst a dozen other identical flowers and she resents the fact that her flower couldn't of been more special. Afterwards she stands besides the grave as they fill the hole with dirt. She feels someone squeeze her hand for a fraction of a second but when she looks, there's no one there. It's the first time outside of her daydreams that she dosn't feel so alone.

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><p>She dosn't know how she ends up there but suddenly she's standing on the edge of a quiet bridge, way past midnight, staring down at the rushing water beneath and wondering what would happen if she just stepped off... She never finds out. An arm flies around her waist, pulling her backwards to safety as one foot hovers over the edge. The arm is gone almost immediately and she mangers to whirl around in time to catch Jesse St James fading in to thin air. Her breath catches and she has to suddenly sit down in fear of collapsing. It wasn't possible, it wasn't. She finally cries then and dosn't stop as she drives home and climbs in to bed. She cries herself to sleep and dosn't know why she wanted to be able to cry when it feels like this. Just before she drifts off to sleep she wonders when her imagination had gotten so cruel.<p>

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><p>When she wakes the morning after she feels terrible. She stumbles over to her bathroom and splashes water over her face. It feels good, makes her head feel clear for the first time in weeks. She listens as her dads make their way around downstairs, busying themselves in the kitchen with breakfast no doubt. She should go down and join them but she can't bring herself to move. She raises her eyes and looks at her reflection in the mirror. Her face is wet thanks to the water and her eyes are red with dark circles highlighted beneath them. She decides that she looks drained. Physically and emotionally. Rachel gives a bitter laugh, she certainly feels it. She grabs the hand towel and goes about drying her face, sniffing as she sets the towel down and raises her eyes to the mirror once more. What she sees standing behind her almost stops her heart. Jesse is just standing there, locking eyes with her in the mirror.<em> It's not real.<em>

"Rachel." He breaths out her name. _It's not real._ He steps forward and reaches out to her, his hand hovering over her shoulder but not making contact. If she tries hard enough she can imagine the feel of his hand on her shoulder. _It's not real._ It's like a repeating mantra inside her head. This can't be real. It can't. Jesse is dead, she watched them bury him. She mourned him-she still mourns him.

"I'm just imagining it." She speaks out loud, never breaking eye contact with her imaginations' newest trick. She watches as he frowns in such a pained way as he drops his hovering hand.

"No you're not." He speaks with determination heavy in his voice and she gasps. She hadn't realised just how much she missed his voice. _But it's not his voice, he isn't real._ She reminds herself but she sounds less convinced now, even in her head. She takes a long breath and turns around to face him, fearing and expecting him to not be there when she does. He is though and she stares up at him in disbelief mixed with wonder.

"You _can't_ be real." Her voice cracks with the words and she can feel her eyes watering again. It seems once she is finally able to cry she can't stop. She watches him through watery eyes as he reaches out to her again with a concentrated look on his face. He's frowning very hard, eyes determined and pouting slightly and he looks adorable. He looks alive. She jumps as she feels his fingers press against her arm, staring at him slack jawed as a look of triumph passes over his face. He reaches out with his other hand and touches her other arm. She stays still and observes him as he curls his fingers round her arms before slowly pulling her forward and embracing her lightly; like he's scared she'll break if he holds her too tightly. She tentatively wraps her arms around him in turn. She can hardly believe it. Not even her imagination is _this_ good and as she breaths in his scent she thinks-_knows_ this is real. How? She has no idea. "I thought you were dead." She whispers, afraid to ruin the moment.

"I am." He admits and she sighs. She knows it was too good to be true but then...how is he holding her right now? She pulls back from him and frowns, her mind slowly putting the pieces together.

"So how...? You're a..." She dosn't seem to be able to finish any sentences as she stares up at him in puzzlement. It can't be surely? Things like that don't exist, it's not possible. But then your dead ex boyfriend appearing in your bathroom and giving you a hug shouldn't be possible and yet...

"Ghost? I think so." He answers and it's only now that she really notices how pale he looks. There's an almost transparent look to his skin and she can feel how cold he is. Not so cold that it's uncomfortable to touch him but certainly noticeable. She chokes back a sob and pulls him to her, burying her head in his chest. It's real. Jesse's here, with her like she never thought he'd be again. But why? Suddenly her grief and relief turns in to confusion and anger and she pulls away from him again, this time moving backwards till she collides with the sink behind her. She stares at him, eyes hard and still a little watery.

"If-if you are a...ghost. Then why are you here? What, are you haunting me! You couldn't just break my heart when you were alive, you have to keep doing it from beyond the grave?" She feels her temper rise and grits her teeth. This was just too cruel, why did he have to be here when she'd spent weeks thinking he was dead-well he was still dead but that was besides the point.

"What? No, I didn't come to haunt you. I would never hurt you-" He started to say but she cut him off with a snort.

"Well, you had no problems with it whilst you were alive so-" She shot back only to be cut off herself.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" The question hangs in the air between them for a few silent moments as she looks at him in shock. She'd almost forgotten about that.

"I- what?" She manages to splutter out, unable to form any other words. It all comes rushing back to her, the bridge, the water, how she wanted nothing more than to be free of all the grief.

"The bridge. Last night. You were going to throw yourself off. Why would you even think of doing that to yourself!" She dosn't need the prompting, she remembers it all in shocking clarity now. Jesse's words sting though, not for what he's saying but for the tone of them. They sound so disappointed and angry. _How quickly the tables turn. _She thinks bitterly to herself.

"I don't know." She mumbles, her eyes dropping to the tiled floor of her bathroom. She does know why. But the thought of admitting the reason out loud-to _him_-makes her feel a little sick. Since when did a boy mean so much to her? Since when was anyone worth throwing her life away for? _Since you met your other half._ Her inner voice whispers cruelly but accurately.

"Why Rachel?" He persists adamantly. He knows her too well. Knows when she's lying and she hates him for it. She glances up at him and wonders for what feels like the hundredth time how it's even possible that he's there.

"Because..." She trails off her voice catching. She takes a deep breath, her head spinning.

"Because?" He prompts, leaning forward slightly. Her resolve snaps as she feels tears filling her eyes once more.

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE YOU AREN'T ALIVE!" She shouts, feeling so much better and so much worse once it's out there in the open. Jesse looks stunned at her admission and she just wants to curl up in a ball and cry until she dosn't have any more tears left. To think that not twenty-four hours ago she wanted nothing more than to be able to cry. Now, however... She's startled from her thoughts at a knocking on her bathroom door.

"Rachel sweetie, are you okay?" Her daddy, Hiram asks through the door. Both her eyes and Jesse's flick to that direction then back to each other. It's still so surreal for him to be standing in front of her. She wipes furiously at her eyes before making her way over to the door, cracking it open to reveal her Daddy's concerned face.

"I'm-I- I'm okay Daddy, I just..." She trails off and bites her lip, not sure what she could possibly say. "I'm feeling a little under the weather. I think I'm just going to stay up here today." She tells him like she hasn't stayed up in her room for the past weeks anyway. Hiram dosn't say anything for a moment, watching his daughter with a furrowed brow and heaps of concern before sighing and nodding. He'll get his little girl back one day, just not today.

"Okay sweetie. Call us if you need anything, your father and I have to work later." He explains and she nods numbly before watching him leave.

"No one can see me but you. I-I tried to see my uncle and my parents but no matter what I did, they never noticed I was there." His words are soft and almost like a whisper in the wind. They make her heart ache more.

"Why did you come here Jesse?" She asks, not turning around. She fears that if she does then Jesse really won't be there and she would of imagined the whole thing, she would of finally cracked.

"When I saved you last night and finally realised that you were the only person who could see me then I had to come. I figured that maybe you were the reason why I can't move on to wherever you're supposed to go when you die." He admits.

"I'm your unfinished business." She laughs humorlessly. "Is that only why you came?" She asks after a moment, finally turning around. To her relief he is still there, standing across from her and watching her with an unreadable expression on his ghostly face.

"Of course not. I've been here before, it's the only place I really feel at peace at. It's you, you're the key to my peace and as much as it pains me to move on and never see you again...I have to." Her eyes widen at that admission, it all fitting together then. The strange feelings of not being alone, the invisible force that squeezed her hand at his funeral.

"That was you wasn't it? That held my hand at your funeral." She asks shakily.

"Yes. I was so pleased to see you there, I didn't think you'd come after what I did to you."

"I had to. I lo- I still cared about you, despite what you did." She's careful to replace love with care and put it in the past tense. It's just a precaution to protect her heart, it's been through enough as it is lately.

"I need to explain why I did that Rachel so I can move on but so you can too. Will you let me?" He steps towards her, determination bright in his otherwise now dull eyes and all she can do is nod and hold her breath. She's wanted an explanation and never thought she'd get one with his death happening so suddenly. He takes her hand and she's careful not to squeeze it too hard, in fear that she'll be left gripping air. Then he begins. "So despite what you may think, I wasn't a spy for Vocal Adrenalin..."

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><p>Later, after he's told her the entire story of seeing her at Sectionals and being blown away by her and Shelby asking him to befriend her and at first him just using it as an acting exercise that lasted all of three minuets in to their first date and how he fell for her harder than he ever could of imagined and how Shelby made him go back to Carmel, and how he agreed to go because his ride to UCLA depended on it and how his team mates no longer trusted him so they pressured him in to the egging and finally how he had been beating himself up about everything all summer until the truck had come out of no where and crashed in to his car thus resulting his untimely death. At the end of it all she feels dizzy with the new information and her heart hurts even more because she knows now that they'll never be truly reunited in the future on Broadway like she'd always secretly envisioned. But she thought that after he'd explained everything he'd fade form existence or a magical door would appear for him or something but there's nothing and they're still standing in her bathroom with the silence thick around them.<p>

"You're still here." She states emotionlessly, feeling just a little bit empty, the hurt finally being at such a level to numb her emotions. At least for a little while.

"Yeah. Maybe it takes a little bit of time?" He asks in a tone similar to hers all except that tiny glimmer of hope. She sighs and looks down at their still entwined fingers and feels unbelievably tired.

"Maybe." She says with a yawn. "I'm going to go back to bed." She tells him quietly before glancing up at him through her lashes. "Lay with me?" She asks hopefully, not ready to part from him yet, if ever.

"Of course." He replies just as quietly as her before letting her lead him in to her bedroom and in to her bed. Their liked hands never once breaking contact as they lie side by side and stare up at her ceiling, both lost in thoughts of the other. She begins to feel her eyes grow heavy after a while and moves closer to him, laying her head on his chest carefully before succumbing to sleep. It's the best sleep she's had in weeks.

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><p>When she wakes, the sun is setting and casting dark shadows through her window and it takes her a while to remember everything and when she does she jolts up in bed and looks around frantically. He's not there and her heart is twisting painfully as her mind wonders if she dreamt it all. But then her eyes fall on to the pillow beside her. There's a sheet of her pink note paper laying there and written in shaky writing is:<p>

_Thank you for forgiving me. _

_With all my love, Jesse._

It's only upon reading it that she realizes that she has forgiven him. And despite knowing that he's in a better place now...she feels even worse than when she found out he'd died.


End file.
